IF IT'S IN THE PRESS

JAY LENO - TONIGHT SHOW - NEWS HEADLINES

2010-07-22T19:14:00.001+01:00

Click on Jay Leno - Tonight Show title to see the news headlines!

CRUDE BEHAVIOUR! NO KIDDING!

2010-01-08T11:38:00.001Z

Introducing Kidd Millennium.

If you are new to the Kidd then let me tell you he is older than his years, because he has already brought us a deep insight into two terms of George Dubya.

The Kidd is the brain child of Ron Callari and more recently he has been fleshed out by my old friend Jon Donohoe.

In my first blog Ron told us that: “On January 1, 2001, kidd emerged as a full-blown character and an ongoing, self-proclaimed spokes-kid for the next generation. Estimated at 3.9 million American children, societal forecasters believe that this new population group (born post 2000) will eclipse the attention of the boomers, the last major bubble to have moved through the population funnel. Based on that premise, kidd millennium comments, with attitude, on his brave new world from a narcissistic and questioning point of view. The weekly cartoons present an editorial perspective of topical issues in today's society, this side of the millennium. Similar to a cartoon character that emerged over a 100 years ago, called the Yellow Kid, kidd millennium satirizes the social and political foibles of the day.”

Up till now the Kidd has only appeared on a website loving cared for by Ron and Jon. Now he is available in book form too. I have to say I like my books in the traditional format - but hey this is the Kidd we are talking about so you can read all about the Crude Behaviour of the Bush years on the new fangled Kindle.

To read all about it or even better buy it just visit the Amazon Kindle store by clicking here.

The Kidd has assured me that the small amount it costs will not go to his head – but I am not sure the same can be said for Ron or Jon!

A MERRY TRIVIA CHRISTMAS

2009-12-24T10:30:00.000Z

I was reading through Mitch Symon’s ‘Why does earwax taste so gross’ yesterday and came across this Christmas trivia – which as it is the season of goodwill I thought I would share with you.

According to Mitch:

The average Briton devotes 15 hours a year to Christmas shopping – around 25 per cent of that time is spent in queues.

The Christmas song ‘Jingle Bells’ was originally composed in 1857 as a Thanksgiving song.

The Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh send some 850 Christmas cards a year.
It’s St Francis of Assisi we have to thank for introducing Christmas carols to church services.

It wasn’t until 440 that 25 th December was first celebrated as the birthday of Christ.

Santa Claus is called Babbo Natale in Italy.

More than eight million Christmas trees were sold in Briton last year.

The reason why robins are associated with Christmas is because postmen, who wore red, were known as robins, and so many Christmas cards depicted robins delivering cards.

Holly is associated with Christmas because the sharply pointed leaves symbolized the thorns in Christ’s crown and the red berries symbolized his blood.

There are 178 legs in the song “The Twelve Days of Christmas”.

The Christmas holidays are the busiest time for American plastic surgeons.

Around 16 million turkeys were sold in the UK last Christmas.

And on that note of gluttony I wish you a Merry Christmas and an enjoyable festive season - the weekly news review with return in 2010.

THE BRITAIN WE LIVE IN....

2009-12-11T11:53:00.000Z

The Western Daily Press reveals that female customers at a garden centre are queuing up to get a peek at the men’s loos, which boast urinals in the shape of giant flowers. Male customers can choose between an orchid, a daffodil and a hollyhock. Simon Malley, general manager of Dobbies Garden World, in Shepton Mallet, Somerset, said: “We have received an overwhelming response.” A giant leek might have been more appropriate!

In Brighton The Argus reports that a lovestruck Bognor student smashed his way into a mortuary because he feared a girl he fancied had died. Benjamin Barton, who even looked at bodies, had fallen for her at a Christian meeting but feared the worst when he could not contact her. Southampton crown court heard his feelings were unrequited and the woman had a boyfriend. What a dead shame!

Bristol Evening Post tells us that North Somerset council has been put up for sale on eBay, attracting a highest bid of £50. Mike Bell, Liberal Democrat candidate for Weston-super-Mare, decided to auction the authority and its 46 Conservative councillors to highlight plans to privatise major facilities. Elfan Ap Rees, one of the councillors, said: “This is a childish response.” Indeed it was fifty quid was far too much!

...AND A TASTE OF WHAT WE ARE MISSING!

The Carroll Daily Times Herald report that police got a “hot” call when two men were trying to break into an apartment in the town. Responding officers saw a vehicle matching the getaway car’s description leaving the scene and stopped it. They were pretty sure they had their men: witnesses said the burglars had blacked-out faces, and sure enough the occupants of the car did. But rather than use facepaint, Matthew Allan McNelly, 23, and Joey Lee Miller, 20, had used permanent markers to blacken their faces. Both were arrested on burglary charges, and McNelly was charged with driving while intoxicated. That’s black marks against both of them then!

THE BRITAIN WE LIVE IN...

2009-12-04T12:28:00.000Z

According to the Western Morning News cows at a Beaminster dairy farm prefer the songs of X Factor stars John and Edward to the classics. Milk production has increased since the cattle were introduced to the duo’s music. “When a clip of Jedward singing We Will Rock You was played on a news bulletin, the cows really seemed to enjoy it,” said herdsman Jozef Andrezejk. No doubt they milked the applause!

BBC Online with no doubt a straight face reports that Ilfracombe town council has defended a new logo for the north Devon resort that some residents have compared to a sperm. Critics say it makes the town a laughing stock, but Andrea Beacham, from the council, said: “We’re not a stuffy town.” It’s the sperm that counts!

The Camden New Journal tells its readers that a community support officer claimed police colleagues were members of a secret society and warned about astrological messages in the night sky after he was fired for harassing shopkeepers in Covent Garden, a tribunal has heard. Leon Eioyaccu denied a series of allegations, but admitted trying to salsa dance with a member of staff at a shop, which he claimed he did “out of sheer politeness”. If he was only dancing I’d say they got off lightly!

...AND A TASTE OF WHAT WE ARE MISSING!

A bizarre story from the Indianapolis Star where Trinda Barocas, a teacher at a special education school was getting ready to take her students on a field trip to the zoo, but allegedly didn't want to take one student along as the 7-year-old is autistic and has a severe peanut allergy. "I wonder what would happen if he had peanuts?" she allegedly said to an aide. "I could touch it, and then touch him." Then, the aide says, she tossed him a peanut-filled candy bar, saying "Maybe he could get sick enough not to attend and we won't have to deal with it." Giving peanuts to someone with a peanut allergy can cause extreme illness, and very often death. The boy didn't eat the candy. The teacher's aides notified school administrators, who called in child welfare officials, who "substantiated" the charges. In a previous teaching position, Barocas was accused of restraining, slapping, and forcing a student to eat. She has denied the allegations, but has resigned again. She is another nut allergy vulnerable kids can do without!

THE BRITAIN WE LIVE IN....

2009-11-27T17:12:00.000Z

Brighton’s The Argus reports that a bitter break-up has reached the High Court after a couple could not agree who should get the cheese grater and empty paint pots. Robin Williams and Anthony Hull are set for an expensive court battle over their former home near Horsham. Since their split, Ms Williams and Mr Hull have also disagreed about whether the paint pots in the garage, net curtains and lampshades were “joint property”. To cheese grater us do part!

Meanwhile the Southern Daily Echo has got religion telling readers - It started as a normal night out with friends — a curry and a few beers — but student Darren Farrant got a shock when he noticed the face of Christ on the underside of his naan bread. “There it was, staring back at me — Jesus’s face in the naan,” said Darren, originally from East Sussex. “I once spotted Jesus’s face in the crinkles of my mum’s bed cover. It’s really weird, I can’t explain it.” Bed covers! Naan! God does indeed move in mysterious ways

Also on the curry theme the Daily Mirror tells of footballer Levi Foster who got a yellow card for breaking wind in the ref’s face as he was having his boots checked before kick-off. Outraged match official Bunny Reid threatened to send him off until an apologetic Levi talked him into just a caution. Levi, 30, admitted: “I’d had a curry the night before.” He obviously didn’t curry favour with the ref!

...AND A TASTE OF WHAT WE ARE MISSING!

The Indianapolis Star is on to a case of drink driving.”Dude, I do this every night,” Zachary R. Duis, 24, told Indiana State Police officers after being pulled over in Porter County for erratic driving. “I’m straight up and not drunk.” Dubious troopers tested him anyway: his blood alcohol registered 0.30 percent, they say nearly four times the legal limit for drivers. Duis was arrested for drunk driving. “I do this every night” – but is that drinking or erratic driving? Probably both!

THE BRITAIN WE LIVE IN....

2009-11-20T12:09:00.001Z

The Cumberland News reports that a window cleaner from Penrith has painted his house pink with yellow spots and plans to give the larger spots smiley faces. Vince Holden, 47, said: “I didn’t want it to look like Mr Blobby, I just wanted to put a smile on folk’s faces. It’s very artistic, you can’t knock it for that. I got the idea from a house in Barrow with a chimney stack painted like a Liquorice Allsort.” Obviously art has a different meaning in Penrith and Barrow!

An outraged Western Morning News tells its readers that a Second World War hero has been banned from selling Remembrance Day poppies after raising £140,000 over 50 years - because he needs insurance. D-Day veteran Harry Billinge, 84, has been told the British Legion would not be able to afford the cost of insurance once he turns 85. “The world has gone mad,” said Harry. “We never had insurance fighting on those beaches.” A land fit for heroes – as long as you’re insured!

Over at the Western Mail they inform us there are 1,200 people who still buy only a black-and-white TV licence in Wales, and the largest number are in Cardiff. Grandmother Jean Perry still watches her 30-year-old Hitachi set. “My family has tried to get me to get rid of it, but it serves a purpose. It doesn’t take up as much room as a colour television.” And everyone knows the old black and white shows were better!

... A BIT OF THE BLARNEY...

Despite the grim reports of rising unemployment and growing debt people in Ireland are still looking for ways to lift the gloom. Reuters reports that statistics show that while in the midst of a recession the country was also in the grip of a baby boom with a record 75,065 births registered in 2008. They might be jobless but it’s good to see Irish men are still putting their backs into it!

...AND A TASTE OF WHAT WE ARE MISSING!

Last week we reported on the celebrity squirrel in Dorking, Surrey, that’s had a Facebook tribute set up along with a shrine in his or her honour. This week comes news on unpatriotic squirrels causing uproar in New Hampshire in the USA. According to the Portsmouth Herald flags have started going missing from graves at a cemetery in Hampton. Locals, especially veterans’ groups, expressed their outrage at the desecration. But people need to chill, a cemetery official said. “Several years back we had the same situation,” said Cemetery Trustee Richard Bateman. The conclusion: “it was the squirrels.” The rodents were snatching the flags to line their nests, he said, and that’s probably what’s going on now, too. “I don't think it’s squirrels," said the dubious Commander of the local American Legion Post, Ralph Fatello. “But, if it’s squirrels, we are going to prosecute them and I’m going to make an example out of them.” And, Fatello added, they need to be more patriotic. “I don't know how I’m going to teach a history lesson to squirrels, but I would be willing to sit them down and try to talk to them.” If I was one of those squirrels I’d start counting my nuts – starting with Ralph.

THE BRITAIN WE LIVE IN....

2009-11-13T12:30:00.001Z

BBC Online reports with due gravitas that residents of a Surrey town have set up a shrine and a Facebook tribute after a celebrity squirrel was run over. The albino squirrel had lived in St Martin’s churchyard, off Dorking High Street, for five years. Lou Gardey, who was among the first on the scene of the accident, said: “We all gave him nuts and food. Now it is as if a little light has gone out.” They’re all nuts!

The Southern Daily Echo tells its readers that a Hampshire councillor has made a video claiming that aliens are secretly walking the planet. Adrian Hicks says an organisation called Majestic, made up of scientists, military officers and politicians, has been tasked with making contact with extra-terrestrials. Earlier this year Hicks claimed that he had a close encounter with an alien in Winchester High Street. I wonder if he’s a member of the Raving Monster Loony Party? And if not – why not?

Kent Online informs us Tony Blair, Jonathan Ross and Anne Robinson have all been the big names burnt atop the bonfire at Edenbridge’s fireworks night. This year they will be joined by Katie Price, aka Jordan. A 25ft effigy of her will be going up in flames. “We hope she doesn’t take offence,” says event co-ordinator Charles Laver. Jordan? 25 ft? That will be just her breast implants then!

...AND A BIT OF THE BLARNEY...

RYANAIR has been accused of a "serious lack of imagination" after the airline insisted its 2010 cabin crew calendar was "art". The new calendar, featuring two Irish employees, is more risque than previous editions. The National Women’s Council of Ireland said the no-frills carrier was "irredeemably old-fashioned" for using images of scantily clad women to raise funds for charity. Ryanair might have no-frills but seemingly plenty of thrills!

...AND A TASTE OF WHAT WE ARE MISSING!

The Akron Beacon Journal told its readers: ““She came at my client with the stiletto [heeled shoe] and my client acted accordingly," says attorney Tom DiCaudo. His client, Chetania Davis, 22, a stripper in Akron, Ohio, had a dispute with a new dancer. Davis was allegedly upset with the new dancer, Jo Nolan, 52, who had started work at the club that day, because Davis thought she'd lure regular customers away from her. After angry words, Nolan allegedly came at Davis wielding her shoe, and Davis, who was eight months pregnant, grabbed the shoe and whacked Nolan over the head with it. Nolan suffered lacerations that took seven surgical staples to close. Assistant Prosecutor Norman Schroth called it a "he said, she said" case, and offered Davis a plea bargain: one year of probation. She accepted to "put all of this behind her," DiCaudo said.”” An eight month pregnant stripper! Only in the USA!

THE BRITAIN WE LIVE IN....

2009-11-06T08:41:00.000Z

The Ripon Gazette reports that on Thursday 5 – Guy Fawkes’ Night - an effigy of the prime minister was to be burned at the bonfire night and fireworks celebrations. The organisers, Ripon Gunpowder Plot, decided to make a giant Gordon Brown figure after consulting sponsors and members of the public. Organising committee member John Richmond said: “We want it to be a very big, fun event.” And all Gordon “Light My Fire” Brown used to worry about was his dire opinion poll ratings!

In Brighton the Argus tells us that students are to get health and safety training before going on drunken binges. They are getting advice on how to run drunken initiation rituals and fill in risk assessments before leading freshers on nude antics. Older undergraduates leading new arrivals through initiations at the universities of Sussex and Brighton have to detail what they are planning. How responsible! A safety first approach to drunken binges and orgies!

Over at the Manchester Evening News they gave us the story of Katie Corcoran who got an early Hallowe’en shock when she came face to face with a ghoulish crisp resembling Edvard Munch’s painting The Scream. Mum-of-one Katie, 40, of Brierley Road East, Swinton, said: “With it being near Hallowe’en, I wondered if it was some sort of promotion but when I looked at the other crisps, they were just normal. I was a bit spooked at first but it is quite funny.” Something to munch on!

... A BIT OF THE BLARNEY...

The Press Association informs us that four intrepid adventurers have successfully crossed the Irish Sea in a modified Renault Laguna car. Crowds cheered the men as they pulled into Portpatrick harbour almost seven hours after setting off from Donaghadee in Northern Ireland. Of course everybody else uses the car ferry!

...AND A TASTE OF WHAT WE ARE MISSING!

The Wall Street Journal reveals that Barnes & Noble bookseller chain wants to compete with Amazon.com’s Kindle electronic book reader. The newly announced B&N device is called the Nook eBook Reader. A bit of Nook-e at bedtime – you can’t beat it!

THE BRITAIN WE LIVE IN....

2009-10-30T11:38:00.000Z

The Western Mail reports that a controversial film comedy about two friends who buy Tom Jones’s dismembered manhood on the black market has caused a stir among fans of the Welsh singer. A Bit of Tom Jones?, which will be released in Cardiff next month, has come under fire from subscribers to the largest internet site dedicated to the star. The writer-director Peter Watkins-Hughes says he got the idea for the film when he was thinking what to get his wife for her birthday. The man is obviously a prick!

Meanwhile the Western Morning News tells us that hundreds of thousands of pounds have been spent building two bridges to help bats cross the A38 bypass at Dobwalls. Now a Highways Agency survey has found that just 12 to 14 of the nocturnal animals use the bridges — equating to about £21,400 per bat. Sorry, but I though bats could fly!

To Birmingham’s Mail which has a report of Mr Plod putting his foot in it once again. An innocent man has been left with a £1,217 bill for a new front door because police spotted air-conditioning units and thought he was growing cannabis. Officers smashed their way into Steve Ogilvie’s Sutton Coldfield home. “I installed them myself when I moved in because I hate the heat,” he said. “They are from B&Q.” Let’s hope the Old Bill will pick up his bill.

AND A BIT OF THE BLARNEY

According to the Press Association a survey in Ireland shows that more than half of employees would continue working if they won the lottery. The survey reports that 62 per cent of nine-to-fivers would still clock in if they struck it lucky. One in two workers said they would share some of their prize with colleagues or put it another way, 50 per cent - the tight fisted gits - said they wouldn’t.

AND A TASTE OF WHAT WE ARE MISSING!

In Canada the Regina Leader Post tells the story of how police had a warrant for the arrest of David William McKay, 28, and went to a house looking for him. The man who answered the door matched McKay’s description, but the man insisted he wasn’t McKay, but admitted knowing him. McKay was “a badass,” he said. The man said his name is Matthew but was unable to spell that name. When an officer pointed out that the man had the name “David McKay” tattooed across his back, the man still insisted he wasn’t McKay. Officers arrested him anyway. It was McKay, and he was given 45 days in jail for obstructing police. You could say the tattooist pinned it on him.

THE BRITAIN WE LIVE IN....

2009-10-23T11:33:00.000+01:00

What the Western Morning News describes as a fun-loving pensioner has spent hundreds of pounds transforming his electric mobility scooter into a Rolls-Royce. Apparently Bill Inston, 83, spent months tinkering with the vehicle, which has a top speed of 8mph, to give the battery powered scooter a mahogany interior finish, removable Perspex roof and traditional Rolls-Royce grille, made from knitting needles and tin foil. Inston said he wanted to add a bit of style to the seafront at Weston-super-Mare. Style? Weston-super-Mare? It will take more than that!

Meanwhile the Western Mail reveals that Crad Jones, a chip shop owner, was tucking into his lunch when an image of the late comedian Tommy Cooper appeared before him. Jones, who owns the Codfather’s Plaice in Caerphilly, said: “I got my pie, which I have with chips and peas, and noticed the resemblance of Tommy Cooper on the bottom of it. The comparison was amazing.” As Tommy would say – “Just like that!”

The Edinburgh Evening News tell us that a woman who was caught having sex with a man in a police station car park said her behaviour was completely out of character — because she’s gay. “It was him that was trying it on with me,” she told an Edinburgh court. “I didn’t know him, and I haven’t seen him since.” It was probably the kilt that confused her.

AND A BIT OF THE BLARNEY

Auf Wiedersehen Pet? BBC News tells us the phrase has taken on a new meaning after two cats were found to have travelled from Germany to Northern Ireland. The animals were found straying in Coleraine, County Londonderry, five weeks ago. They were brought to a vet in Limavady and so far attempts to contact their owners have been unsuccessful as they were micro-chipped and tattooed in Germany. The central agency that deals with microchips, Petlog, were able to tell the vet they came from Germany but the problem is, German vets can’t release the name of the owners because of confidentiality. So how did they get to Ireland? Obviously a cat’s tail!

AND A TASTE OF WHAT WE ARE MISSING!

The Daytona Beach News Journal reports that a UPS delivery driver was arrested after allegedly stealing $53,000 worth of expensive sunglasses he was supposed to deliver to a client. Instead he sold them to friends because he “needed the money”. His name is Brandon Loser – Loser by name, Loser by nature!

THE BRITAIN WE LIVE IN....

2009-10-16T11:32:00.003+01:00

The Daily Echo in Bournmouth tells the tale of a mother shopping with her 14-year-old son who was told she couldn’t give him a bag to carry because it contained a bottle of wine. Gill Power-Forward handed the heavier of the two bags to her son, Andrew, to take to the car at Asda in Canford Heath. But the cashier insisted she carry the bag herself because it contained a bottle of wine — and her son might drink it. “The world’s gone mad,” said Gill. An apologetic Asda spokesman said: “We hope this hasn’t put Mrs Power-Forward off shopping at Asda.” I suspect the cashier was drunk – on power!

Also perhaps drunk on his own brew is a witch who the Cambridge News reports plans to open an occult centre in city. He says he has conjured up a demon in the city’s Catholic church. Magus Lynius Shadee, who calls himself the “king of all witches”, says he let loose the entity to prey on worshippers at the Church of Our Lady and the English Martyrs. Fr Dick Healey said: “He’s obviously a bit twisted.” Not sure that’s very Christian!

Finally to the Southern Daily Echo that tells us a study has revealed that Southampton women have the smallest breasts in the country. Debenhams studied bra sales between April and October. The average Southampton woman has a 34B cup size. Liverpudlians topped the poll with 34E. Glad to get that off our chest!

AND A TASTE OF WHAT WE ARE MISSING!

The Kalamazoo Gazette says Lisa Snyder lives near a school bus stop in Middleville, Michigan. A couple of neighbors need to head for work before the bus arrives, so Snyder said she would be happy to keep an eye on their kids until the bus arrives. But when the Michigan Department of Human Services heard about it, they ordered her to stop: watching someone else's kids makes her home an "unlicensed daycare facility" in the state's eyes. To comply with its rules, she must apply for a license to watch the kids even though she doesn't charge anything. "It's crazy," Snyder said. "I'm just helping out a couple of friends." She asked State Rep. Brian Calley for help, but when he called DHS they told him to bug off. He has promised legislation to deal with the problem. The USA today the UK tomorrow - or maybe for once we've beaten them to it!

THE BRITAIN WE LIVE IN....

2009-10-10T09:32:00.001+01:00

A pub landlord, says the Dorset Echo, has turned the tables on council chiefs who removed one of his signs. He’s taken some of theirs in return. Neil “Chaz” Charlton, landlord of the Clifton hotel, was told by Weymouth and Portland borough council that it had removed his advertising A-board. “They told me they had taken it, so I said fine and I went out the back of their yard and piled their signs into my car. They said they’ll do me for theft so I said I’ll do them for theft.” A sign of the times!

BBC Scotland Online reports that diehard football fan Frazer Boyle, 20, has shocked his family by changing his name to Motherwell Football Club. Frazer’s mother, Hazel, said: “I was ready to give him a clip around the ear, but he has already been to France and Wales in the past year to watch Motherwell. I think that is punishment enough.” Thank God he doesn’t follow Queen of the South!

The Shropshire Star tells us that teacher Nick Hanna was left dumbfounded when a deli counter assistant told him she couldn’t open a brown sauce sachet for him — in case some of the sachet got in his sandwich. The assistant said if a piece of the sachet went onto the sandwich and he ate it, the store would be liable. What a sauce!

AND A TASTE OF WHAT WE ARE MISSING!

The New Hampshire Union Leader – that a newspaper not a Teamster’s boss – reports that four years ago, Gary Moody was found wearing waders, hip-deep in the waste pit of a ladies outhouse in New Hampshire's White Mountain National Forest. Moody said he was searching for his wife's lost wedding ring, but investigators didn’t believe him and so filed charges. A federal judge spared him jail, ordering him to get psychiatric treatment instead. Recently a camper in Maine, a few miles from the New Hampshire border, said that she went into a pit-toilet restroom and “a man popped up out of the hole leading to the waste vault,” according to court papers. “The man [said], ‘Sorry about that, I was getting my shirt.’” Sure enough, it was Moody, now 47, who faces three new federal charges. Moody admits he never got the ordered psychiatric treatment and has waded in outhouses “on more than the two occasions when he happened to get caught,” an investigator says, but “expressed anger toward society because of how he was treated after he was found in the pit of a national forest outhouse in 2005,” causing him to suffer “extreme embarrassment.” Which just goes to prove life can be shit!

THE BRITAIN WE LIVE IN....

2009-10-03T09:48:00.002+01:00

The Argus in Brighton tells us that a rasher of bacon was found in a returned book by a Worthing librarian. Not headline news but pretty exciting for Brighton! Apparently this was just one of the oddities that artist Dan Thompson, of Worthing, has come across while collecting quirky items found in library books for a decade. The borrower had used the rasher as a bookmark. Bacon, book – must be Francis!

You’ll certainly find no bacon at Moshe’s deli but the Jewish Chronicle reports that student Jessica Taylor was shocked to see her late-night gefilte fish snack glowing bright green and yellow. Joff Taylor, Jessica’s father, said: “My daughter did not put on the kitchen light, took out the fish and closed the fridge. The fish was glowing brightly.” A spokesman for Moshe’s deli, where the family bought the fish, said: “Sometimes the fish eat some phosphorus and it glows. It’s good for you. We’re not the manufacturer, we just sell it.” Geeta Cohli, a consultant to manufacturer Hoffman’s Foods, said: “I’m a qualified microbiologist and I have never heard of this. I think it was an act of God.” Keep taking the tablets!

The Western Morning News tells us a sign was spotted outside a remote pub in Somerset: “Husband free to good home (any home). Comes with own kitchen utensils and apron.” But does he glow in the dark?

AND A TASTE OF WHAT WE ARE MISSING!

To close on our food theme for this week a headline from the Northwest Florida Daily News – “Woman Didn't Smell like Alcohol, but Car Smelled like Hamburger" – not sure if that’s an offence but it is offensive.